What If
by een nihc
Summary: Rangiku pondered on what ifs after Gin's betrayal.song fic. Rangiku x Gin


Disclaimer : I do not own Bleach.

This is my first shot at writing a song fan fiction. I don't know if I did it right or if I had the characterization down pat. But I enjoy writing this one because I found a very meaningful song for this pairing. It just came together nicely. Anyway, the song is entitled, "What If," by Kate Winslet.

Have you read "Familiar Faces" by Sophia Prester? If you haven't, I recommend that you go and read it. That was the best Rangiku x Gin fic I've read so far. I doubt if mine would be that good. But please enjoy reading.

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What If

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Rangiku poured herself another cup of sake and downed it in one sip. There were empty bottles of sake scattering on the table. Soon she emptied that bottle of sake as well. Her hands fumbled all over the table and knocked over some bottles in the process to find herself a new bottle of sake but found none. Frustrated, she turned the bottle upside down and gapped her mouth open to catch the very last drop of sake from it. 

"Shit…" she muttered a curse. She wasn't drunk enough to knock herself out yet she already ran out of sake. She grimaced at the thought of dragging herself up and buying herself more sake. Some nights were just worse than others. A night like this was even worse than worse. Nothing turned out right that day. Everything seemed so wrong.

_Here I stand alone_

_With this weight upon my heart_

_And it will not go away_

First it was the shocking discovery that the entire Central 46 was massacred, followed by the betrayal of Aizen, then the traitors managed to escape despite everything… And the worst part was Gin was one of those traitors. She couldn't forgive him for that betrayal. That was just so much she could take in a day.

_In my head I keep on looking back_

_Right back to the start_

_Wondering what it was that made you change_

Just what happened to that boy whom she knew since childhood, whom she used to love with all her heart? He used to be the boy who smiled to her when she felt lost, shared his food when she starved, brought her home to his little hut when she had no where to go. They used to snuggle together under the thin rug to stay warm during winter and played games in their secret territory under the sun during summer.

She had always known that he's different from others. Some said he was weird, some said he was freaky, some said he was creepy… she had heard them all but no one knew him better than she did. He was just Gin.That was all she saw in him. She couldn't understand why others failed to see that in him. She had faith in him that no matter how weird or creepy others claimed him to be, he would never betray her. But after this betrayal, she simply didn't know what to believe anymore.

_Well I tried_

_But I had to draw the line_

_And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind_

When did it all begin? She couldn't help but pondered. He always left her behind without saying a word. She could only stumble and trail after his footsteps in fear that she would loose him if she didn't. She tried her best to keep up with him but failed miserably.

When he decided to become a shinigami, she didn't even know that shinigami existed. When he joined the Shinigami Academy, she didn't even know where to find him. When he graduated from the Academy and joined Gotei 13, she was still struggling in her final exams in the Academy. When he became the vice captain of 5th squad, she was still a rookie in her squad. When he became the captain of 3th squad for years, she barely made it to be a vice captain.

He was always one step ahead. She hated him for always leaving her behind and she hated herself for her inability to keep up with him. In the end, she didn't know whom she hated more, him or herself. Many times, she doubted herself if she could call this love, if she was capable of loving and hating the same man with equal passion.

_What if I had never let you go_

_Would you be the man I used to know_

_If I'd stayed_

_If you'd tried_

_If we could only turn back time_

_But I guess we'll never know_

So she made the hardest decision: to let go at last. She didn't want to hold him back from where he might belong because she knew he would go far, so much further than if he was with her. He didn't need her, not anymore. He could no longer be content with just her by his side. He wanted more and she couldn't provide him that. Simple as that.

_Many roads to take_

_Some to joy_

_Some to heart-ache_

_Anyone can lose their way_

_And if I said that we could turn it back_

_Right back to the start_

_Would you take the chance and make the change_

She used to wonder secretly about the "what ifs" when she was still young, naïve and soft-hearted. What if he hadn't become a shinigami? What if he had stayed by her side and settled down with her, started a family with some kids later some years down the road? What if they could turn back time, turn it right back to the start? Would everything remained the same or would he take the chance and make the change?

_Do you think how it would have been sometimes_

_Do you pray that I'd never left your side_

Now that he had gone. It didn't matter anymore. He had gone to somewhere she couldn't follow this time. The next time they met, they would be enemies. They would draw their sword and point its sharp edge at each other. They would fight each other with everything they had, no holding back. She laughed mockingly at herself.

_If only we could turn the hands of time_

_If I could take you back would you still be mine_

_'Cos I tried_

_But I had to draw the line_

_And still this question keep on spinning in my mind_

"If only you had held on a bit longer… I'm sorry." He turned and smiled apologetically before he left to the sky. _You're sorry? Guess what? I'm not. I hate you._ _And I'm not sorry for that, not a bit._ She smiled wryly even as angry tears started to spill and ran down her cheeks.

_What if I had never let you go_

_Would you be the man I used to know_

_What if I had never walked away_

_'Cos I still love you more than I can say_

_If I'd stayed_

_If you'd tried_

_If we could only turn back time_

_But I guess we'll never know_

_We'll never know_

Rangiku took out her diary and flipped to the last page of her diary where she wrote: "Rangiku loves Gin". Then she took a pen and struck through it.

Rangiku loves Gin.

No more.

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End file.
